Nostr notes by Fesshole 🧻

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess ...

2026-08-30T03:25:09Z

I'm staunchly anti AI. But, I was struggling to get something ...

2026-08-29T18:20:05Z

I'm staunchly anti AI. But, I was struggling to get something working in Linux and as a last resort, asked Google AI. Had it working in half an hour. I've become everything I hate.

Was flirting with a girl once who told me she was vegan. Asked ...

2026-08-28T19:20:05Z

Was flirting with a girl once who told me she was vegan. Asked her what her opinion was on blowjobs was considering her veganism. "Oh I'd never put a suffering animal in my mouth" Twenty years on and it's still the best put down I've ever received.

I'm and English teacher but I love a run on sentence. I feel ...

2026-08-28T16:20:06Z

I'm and English teacher but I love a run on sentence. I feel they give the reader a much truer understanding of the writer's internal state.

I used Copydex glue, felt tip pens, my Mum's blusher and some ...

2026-08-27T21:20:06Z

I used Copydex glue, felt tip pens, my Mum's blusher and some olive oil to fake a cut to get me out of a school cross country run. Games teacher wasn't fooled by the sticking plaster I'd covered it with, so I peeled it off and he said, "Jesus!" and had to sit down.

I silently judge our drinking habits against our neighbours as I ...

2026-08-27T18:20:06Z

I silently judge our drinking habits against our neighbours as I walk my dog on recycling day. Worryingly, we're in 2nd place after the guy with the garden overrun by brambles whose curtains are permanently closed.

Was seriously considering quitting my safe and easy job because ...

2026-08-27T17:20:05Z

Was seriously considering quitting my safe and easy job because it's so boring but luckily I've discovered I can play Runescape on my phone and it has saved my career. I'm a grown man and a parent.

Years ago, I built a website for a local motorcycle shop. I just ...

2026-08-24T11:20:05Z

Years ago, I built a website for a local motorcycle shop. I just checked, and they're still using it, completely unchanged. Which is nice because, if you look at the source code, you can still see the image of the children's quad bikes with the filename 'deathtraps.jpg'

My ex got me some socks which really showed how much he ...

2026-08-23T22:20:06Z

My ex got me some socks which really showed how much he disrespected and objectified me. However, they are really high quality socks which somehow haven't worn away at the heel and the perfect thickness for most of my shoes. I'm currently wearing them with mild resentment.

My mum used to say "stop picking your nose or your head will ...

2026-08-23T11:20:05Z

My mum used to say "stop picking your nose or your head will cave in". Well mum, I finally picked a hole from one nostril into the other. It makes a whistling sound. Bleeds a lot too. I'm 52 and should have listened to mum.

We've been "house hunting" for 2 years. We dress ...

2026-08-23T08:20:05Z

We've been "house hunting" for 2 years. We dress well, book viewings for £1.5+ million houses, & nod thoughtfully while discussing "where we'll put the piano" while eating the free artisan biscuits. We live in a rented flat above a takeaway. We have £42 & a Nando's gift card.

I'm autistic, which means I have a favourite seat on my ...

2026-08-22T22:20:06Z

I'm autistic, which means I have a favourite seat on my morning train. Unfortunately, another autistic guy who gets on at my station has the exact same favourite seat. It has devolved into a silent, autistically passive-aggressive daily war over who can reach the seat first.

My mum's one of those "autism didn't exist until it ...

2026-08-22T21:20:07Z

My mum's one of those "autism didn't exist until it became popular and now everyone has it" people. To illustrate her point she keeps sending me articles about the signs of neurodivergency in women, saying that according to them even she's on the spectrum. One day she might twig.

I got tired of all the pro-Reform crap spouted on my family's ...

2026-08-22T20:20:06Z

I got tired of all the pro-Reform crap spouted on my family's whatsapp group so every time it came up I started with "Speaking of which…" followed by a detailed update on my latest bowel movement. I think they've now made a new group without me. Bliss.

For 20+ years, whenever I have to explain why I'm ...

2026-08-22T15:20:06Z

For 20+ years, whenever I have to explain why I'm unsubscribing or cancelling something online, I always say 'not enough photos of goats eating ice cream'. I know it's not likely, but I do hope at some point someone had to add it to a presentation or a company review.

I was on a date with a very nice looking guy. He was mean and ...

2026-08-21T15:20:05Z

I was on a date with a very nice looking guy. He was mean and nasty to the nerdy waiter who was serving us, obviously thinking it would make me laugh or something. I didn't laugh. I dumped him at the table and ghosted him. Been married to that nice, nerdy waiter for 6 years now.

I work at a radio station. Before the advent of AI, I listened to ...

2026-08-21T11:20:06Z

I work at a radio station. Before the advent of AI, I listened to most of the new music we received to know if it was any good. Now, whenever I receive a song with AI-generated image, I don't even press play, I know it's gonna be crap. I don't feel even remotely guilty for it.

Mild bout of depression in my 40s, went to a counsellor. She ...

2026-08-21T10:20:07Z

Mild bout of depression in my 40s, went to a counsellor. She listened to my recounting of my childhood and teen years quietly and then burst out crying. I consoled her as best I could and left, never went back and never been depressed since.

As a voluntarily child free woman, I personally would like to ...

2026-08-20T15:20:05Z

As a voluntarily child free woman, I personally would like to thank the Tories for completely trashing the economy and gutting every support system society has. "There's no way we could ever afford kids" is way more accepted as an excuse than "I despise children"

Boyfriend cuts carrots lengthwise into long strips, coats them in ...

2026-08-20T10:20:05Z

Boyfriend cuts carrots lengthwise into long strips, coats them in marmite, and puts them on pizza. Should I dump him? He's still a good shag and before him I was on a dry spell.

20 years after she died. I still have my Nan's house key on ...

2026-08-20T09:20:05Z

20 years after she died. I still have my Nan's house key on my keys. Happy memories visiting her where I felt the safest I ever felt in childhood. That key reminds me of those times.

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess ...

2026-08-20T03:25:10Z

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

I've worked at my current employer for 20 years. I've ...

2026-08-19T20:20:05Z

I've worked at my current employer for 20 years. I've never respected anyone in this place as much as I respect the woman who's packed lunch today consisted of an entire box of Milk Tray chocolates.

When my parter loads the dishwasher it makes me think they might ...

2026-08-19T07:20:08Z

When my parter loads the dishwasher it makes me think they might be a bit thick. Mugs on their side, plates upside down. I think they do it on purpose to wind me up. It's made me fancy them less. When we have sex I find myself thinking, "This moron can't even load a dishwasher"

I don't like my neighbour. Each night I walked my dog down ...

2026-08-18T22:20:06Z

I don't like my neighbour. Each night I walked my dog down our street, I paused outside their house and turned their TV off through their front window with our spare universal remote. One afternoon I came home to find their TV out by the bins. We now have a new bedroom TV

I was 43 years old when I learned that 'not tested on ...

2026-08-18T10:20:06Z

I was 43 years old when I learned that 'not tested on animals' was an animal rights notice, rather than a warning to not wash my dog with this particular shampoo because they weren't sure how his coat would react.

Some mornings, I reread bug reports and fixes that I've ...

2026-08-18T09:20:05Z

Some mornings, I reread bug reports and fixes that I've written over the years, back when skill was valued and sloperators didn't exist. Then I get into my van and my new career of carpentry feeling relief that I don't have to deal with that crap again.

My home theatre doesn't feel sufficiently like a cinema ...

2026-08-17T21:20:07Z

My home theatre doesn't feel sufficiently like a cinema unless I eat something that's very loud in my head. Popcorn isn't sufficient so I've switched to carrots while watching films instead. Wife thinks I'm stupid.

I work at the offices right next to MI5. I find it odd that the ...

2026-08-17T15:20:07Z

I work at the offices right next to MI5. I find it odd that the MI5 employees come and go freely from their building on street level- always expected them to have a secret underground entrance or something.

My husband lets me know when I need to wash my sports bra. Every ...

2026-08-16T19:20:05Z

My husband lets me know when I need to wash my sports bra. Every now and again he'll mention that it pongs and I'll pop it in the washing machine. Helpful chap to keep around.

Being a carpenter for 30 years has made me superb at sharpening ...

2026-08-16T11:20:05Z

Being a carpenter for 30 years has made me superb at sharpening things. All Airbnb knife drawers are an abomination, so I take a diamond stone on holiday. To the people after us who experience that thing where it's as though a tomato is weirdly made of nothing: you're welcome.

In 2001 a rumour went round the call centre I worked in that one ...

2026-08-15T19:20:06Z

In 2001 a rumour went round the call centre I worked in that one of the team leaders was in Razzle Readers' Wives. A mate & I spent our day off driving over 100 miles visiting loads of newsagents trying to find a copy. Found one. Pretty sure it was them. An afternoon well spent.

My cat doesn't actually sign cards to family and friends. I ...

2026-08-15T18:20:07Z

My cat doesn't actually sign cards to family and friends. I sign it for him because he can't actually write at all.

Our company recently blocked screenshots in outlook. Obviously ...

2026-08-15T07:20:08Z

Our company recently blocked screenshots in outlook. Obviously there is a simple workaround. However, that senior and area management have started printing documents and taking pictures of them to share, tells me a lot about the calibre of person that has achieved those roles.

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess ...

2026-08-15T03:25:09Z

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

How did I get into server backend stuff? I used to have a simple ...

2026-08-14T20:20:10Z

How did I get into server backend stuff? I used to have a simple static HTML website but some idiot hotlinked an image costing me bandwidth so I learned enough to serve his site's users Goatse and everyone else the legit image. That's how I got started with backend stuff.

I used to keep a wanking diary on an Acorn Atom. All the data was ...

2026-08-14T18:20:05Z

I used to keep a wanking diary on an Acorn Atom. All the data was stored on cassette. Years after I left home my mum sold loads of clutter at a car boot including my Acorn Atom & cassettes without even asking me if it was OK. I still sometimes wonder if anyone accessed my diary.

Not my fess but my dad's. Mum was at work and dad was having ...

2026-08-14T08:20:08Z

Not my fess but my dad's. Mum was at work and dad was having to fill some forms in when he asked "did we give you middle names?"

I'd been snacking on cashews while waiting for a date. We ...

2026-08-13T22:20:05Z

I'd been snacking on cashews while waiting for a date. We walked around the park & she gave me a gentle kiss when she was about the leave, asked if I'd been eating nuts & then injected herself with an epipen. I stayed with her on the ambulance. Three years married. No more nuts.

Was learning how to cook as a new adult. Recipe called for whole ...

2026-08-13T19:20:06Z

Was learning how to cook as a new adult. Recipe called for whole eggs so I put the whole eggs in there. Housemates complained about the shell bits.

Night out with my girlfriend, absolutely rat-arsed, these guys ...

2026-08-13T12:20:08Z

Night out with my girlfriend, absolutely rat-arsed, these guys asked us if we could take their dead mate's ashes home so he could (quote) "have a threesome with some hot lesbians". We did but had no way of giving him back so he's still in the bathroom so he can watch us shower.

My small British company was bought by Americans. I have just ...

2026-08-13T11:20:05Z

My small British company was bought by Americans. I have just been formally reprimanded for sarcasm and sardonic commentary. I told the disciplinary panel I was grateful for the opportunity to reflect on my attitude going forward and would be certain to bear it in mind in future.

Biggest argument we've had so far in 2026 isn't about ...

2026-08-13T09:20:06Z

Biggest argument we've had so far in 2026 isn't about money, sex, or housework. I insist that if we settled another planet we'd need to bring plants like coca and poppy for medicine. Wife insists that we wouldn't risk exporting the associated serious social problems.

The dog now gets excited when the alert beeps on my phone to tell ...

2026-08-13T07:20:06Z

The dog now gets excited when the alert beeps on my phone to tell me the Deliveroo rider is on the way. He knows that means food is incoming. I really need to cut down on the number of takeaways. And Pavlov was onto something.

What's your most embarrassing typo? Trying to reply ...

2026-08-12T16:20:05Z

What's your most embarrassing typo? Trying to reply "Whatever tickles your fancy" to a coworker, I typed "fanny" instead. No, not a Freudian slip. Still feel horror from the memories.

On my academic website I have a link to "See my OnlyFans ...

2026-08-11T16:20:05Z

On my academic website I have a link to "See my OnlyFans page" which goes to photos of ceiling fans and pedestal fans around my home. I am a tenured professor.

I stole a game from Tandy in the early 90s. There was a display ...

2026-08-11T07:20:06Z

I stole a game from Tandy in the early 90s. There was a display pc running the current Star Wars game. Out of interest I put a floppy 3.5 in the drive, selected the game folder and copied all its contents. It was so slow. Felt like I was in a spy movie. It worked.

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess ...

2026-08-11T03:25:09Z

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

Flew business class, put on a trashy Fifty Shades style audiobook ...

2026-08-10T22:20:10Z

Flew business class, put on a trashy Fifty Shades style audiobook through my AirPods & drifted off. Turns out my AirPods disconnected and my iPhone started loudly explicit smut to the whole cabin on speaker. The air hostess told me giggling she'd had to switch it off when I woke

My dickhead 24 year old son is recently jobless and spends all ...

2026-08-10T20:20:06Z

My dickhead 24 year old son is recently jobless and spends all night playing video games. I'm insanely jealous he can game all the time, so when he's mid battle I disconnect the internet quickly via the app, so he gets kicked, then gaslight him when questioned.

I've just discovered the sheer orgasmic pleasure of ...

2026-08-09T21:20:05Z

I've just discovered the sheer orgasmic pleasure of scratching a persistent itch with a hairbrush. Holy hell, the instant relief was incredible. Ten out of ten, highly recommend. My wife may disagree.

Decided to sort myself out. Had theropy for 6 months. Not cheap ...

2026-08-09T17:20:05Z

Decided to sort myself out. Had theropy for 6 months. Not cheap but fascinating. Became aware of unhelpful behaviours I had that I didn't realise I had the power to change. Now changing patterns of behaviour. Downside: now completely annoyed by my friends and their self sabotage.

On my first shift working in A&E I had to remove an object a ...

2026-08-09T12:20:08Z

On my first shift working in A&E I had to remove an object a man "had sat on" from his arse. He didn't take it home with him. I washed it and took it home. I had my husband create a frame to display it on the wall in our downstairs toilet. It's been a talking point for 27 years.

All this sweaty obsessing over vibe-coding is great. I don't ...

2026-08-08T09:20:05Z

All this sweaty obsessing over vibe-coding is great. I don't use the stuff, never have. But now I get to put in about 40% the effort I used to. Everyone else's slowed right down, waffling on about agents or sandboxing or whatever. I'm more productive by comparison.

I was the third Kenny hired in our office in 1997. When we ...

2026-08-07T17:20:05Z

I was the third Kenny hired in our office in 1997. When we reviewed CVs for the next hiring round we prioritised other Kennys. When I left in 2003 we had eight Kennys. I suppose hiring based on a first name is a bit unethical but it was funny.

In a job interview I was asked what I'd like to be remembered ...

2026-08-07T09:20:08Z

In a job interview I was asked what I'd like to be remembered for. I responded that I had no desire to be remembered. My main takeaway from a BA and MA in history is that people in history books are villains or victims and I didn't want to be either. Didn't get the job.

Man in my 50s here. Have started telling the important people in ...

2026-08-07T07:20:05Z

Man in my 50s here. Have started telling the important people in my life that I love them every time I see them. The embaressment, especially with the men, might shave a year or two off my life but I'm not stopping now. If I drop dead tomorrow they'll at least know how I felt.

Whenever I make cookies for the family, I freeze half the dough ...

2026-08-06T21:20:05Z

Whenever I make cookies for the family, I freeze half the dough pre-shaped into balls so that I can quickly bake some more. Without fail I eat each and every cookie dough ball unbaked, straight from the freezer.

Company I worked for had a scheme to encourage cycle to work. If ...

2026-08-06T12:20:05Z

Company I worked for had a scheme to encourage cycle to work. If you did it twice a week for 3 months you got an extra day's leave. Used to pop my bike on the car, park in the company car park, cycle to the back of the building and get verified by the HR dude with a clipboard.

I've started looking into whether it's possible to become ...

2026-08-06T10:20:05Z

I've started looking into whether it's possible to become a monk. I have no interest in any type of religion. I just want to be left alone in a quiet space for a long time.

Got pulled to one side at toddler group. Was informed 3 yr old ...

2026-08-06T09:20:05Z

Got pulled to one side at toddler group. Was informed 3 yr old son had used the F word, I enquired in what way. All the kids were asked to put their coats on as they were going outside. Son refused, when asked why his reply was "it's too fucking cold "

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess ...

2026-08-05T03:25:09Z

Add your fess: http://b3ta.com/addfess

My rich uncle died recently. Hospital thought I was devastated, ...

2026-08-04T22:20:06Z

My rich uncle died recently. Hospital thought I was devastated, spent hours with the body. Now I *was* upset, but really I was in there using his dead finger to unlock his phone & get all his passwords. Regret nothing, has made probate nightmare so easy.

Training as a GP in the late 70s. I quickly read the notes for a ...

2026-08-04T19:20:05Z

Training as a GP in the late 70s. I quickly read the notes for a patient as I walked in and said, "now it says here that you've lost a lot of weight, lately." And he had, because his left leg had been amputated after a car crash. He was remarkably good humoured about my gaff.